The Mastectomy and Reconstruction

Feb 28 – So yesterday has literally just finished and I am wide awake once again only this time I am one breast less. The mastectomy and reconstruction was this morning. It was touch and go as to whether it was going to proceed as we had been stuck in traffic and got to the hospital later than requested but it did. The team who operated on me at Princess Margaret hospital were great and Gabby, the nurse who took care of me after was brilliant. So, thank you to you all for the incredible work you carry out and a special thank you to my consultant for the patience and ease with which he has dealt with me, my family and friends.

Okay, how am I really? Well, I’m awake not because I’m in pain but because somebody inserted some Duracell batteries into me and they won’t seem to run out. I was initially told that I would be given a sleeping tablet which I was looking forward to but this was not the case. I slept for about an hour from 11 p.m. but then I was wide awake. I am incredibly surprised that I have been given paracetamols for pain relief and that these have dealt with the pain sufficiently. I am sore around the area, just above my ribs and if I stretch the right arm or when I move but otherwise I am as well as can be expected. So much so that my daughter told me that I had lured them here under false pretenses, that I didn’t really have cancer but instead I was having a boob job. Ah if only.

I have a drain attached to me, which is a tube going from my back into a bottle that allows fluid from inside the breast to drain. I have a bandaged right area and I have a very dry throat from where the tube was inserted in to me during the operation, so I have been drinking a lot of water. I wish I had thought about it and bought some sweets or even had some honey to coat the throat to help with this but too late now. I was told by the consultant to push myself to get up and about and increase blood circulation to aid recovery, so I have been up and about. Some dear friends came to visit this evening and we walked down to the restaurant and chatted there for a while and then I walked back but this time taking the stairs. I am having to wear these in-flight socks which are making my feet and legs hot however at least they are not cold and I have a needle in my right hand which is somewhat sore and uncomfortable.

Don’t get me wrong and please don’t think that I haven’t been upset about the whole procedure. I cried this morning whilst writing an e-mail to a friend. I cried telling my children how proud I am of them and what they have achieved and what to do should something happen to me. Tears in this situation are inevitable and when they come I let them take over for those moments and then I return to reality.

A few weeks ago, when this all started I told you all about the private health insurance policy I took out in December 2017. The policy is with Health online and I was sold the policy based on its flexibility and that I could access health care at any hospital across the country to suit my needs. However, when this process started lone behold Health online informed me they would only cover the full cost of my treatment at their preferred hospitals. If I was treated at another location then they would only cover 60% of the treatment. Not something I was told when I took out the policy. I relayed this to them when I was first referred to my consultant and Health online confirmed they would cover the full cost of the consultation and tests at the alternative location given the consultant was also a named consultant at the preferred hospital. Well can you believe I received a message yesterday from Health online informing me they would only cover 60% of that consultation. This followed a very lengthy conversation with Health online concerning cover of the claim itself less than 24 hours of surgery. In the morning, I was told by the hospital that I would have to pay a deposit of £13k because the insurers had not confirmed they would be covering the claim. Health online then told my daughter they required confirmation from my doctor of when the diagnosis took place and they had sent me a message requesting this information. Can you believe they had only sent me a message requesting this information on the 26 February 18. They had received the requested information from my GP on the 15 February 18 and it took them over 10 days to request any additional information from me, not to mention the audacity to say to my daughter that they had messaged me requesting the additional information, implying the request had been made some time ago and I had ignored it. Because of this my daughter was extremely distressed and upset at a time when she is having to be the responsible adult in this family and that is a lot of pressure. At no point have Health online contacted me since this process started to discuss the claim or the requirement for any additional information. I then spent over an hour on the phone with Health online trying to resolve this situation on a day where that hour should have been spent with my family and stress free. Whilst the adviser did her upmost to resolve this for me I was still sent a message by Health online that I refer to above. I am at a loss as to how these companies manage to behave in this appalling manner at a time when people most require support and empathy not to mention miss-selling policies. I will be requesting recordings of all my telephone conversations with Health online and the sales representative in December and challenging the decision to only pay 60% of the initial consultation. I will also hold the company accountable for their behavior throughout this process by publicizing their practices. I really did not need this a day before surgery just like I really didn’t need breast cancer to come and interrupt my life but these things happen!

Please follow me on twitter Harjit Gill @coulditbecance1.

Back in Cancer's waiting room

Feb 26 – It’s just gone 1.30 in the morning. I had tried to exhaust myself so that I would be able to sleep tonight and I turned the lights out and got under the duvet. It just wasn’t happening. I know why because I am in the waiting room again and time is drawing near and there are concerns. What if’s etc….. I have prepared for the worst, nothing more I can do.

My daughter arrived Saturday night and that was a stark reminder of reality for both of us. I had been living my life and she had been living hers and now they are both interrupted by the ‘C’ word. There is, anger, frustration, annoyance and most of all concern for the situation. There is also an acceptance that this is the case and there is nothing anyone can do to change this. I realise she is tired as she tells me that her body has been in fight or flight mode every day last week, she was also out several evenings and probably didn’t realise that she wasn’t giving herself enough mental rest time given she would also have been worrying about her mum. Life does not stop for anyone I’m afraid. She does sleep though and has a long nap this afternoon so that was good.

This is for her.

Relax and cry daughter

For a little while

Relax and cry.

Don’t be a martyr

Let it slide.

You taught me well

So release those fears.

We may be 3 now

Tonight, we are 4,

Tomorrow, we’ll be 5

And so on and so forth.

Relax and cry daughter

For a little while

Relax and cry.

I had a difficult conversation today with an ex-partner today. I used to tell her all the time that life did not stop for anyone but she really could not grasp that concept. There is nothing more unattractive in a person than someone who is not willing to live the life given to them even when you try and help them and then you realise that they have an illness and because of this illness they are unable to see beyond their own needs. I also see a person for whom its all too much, because life dealt her a shit hand. So, as you are all aware I am due to go into hospital on Tuesday, I am now back in the waiting room and my emotions are running high. My family can see this, my friends can see this, but my ex-partner who has convinced herself that I am doing this to her personally, can’t see this. How tragic is that when all I have ever done is given and given to this person. I am going to tell you all a story and let me have your thoughts. I stopped being in love with my ex by July 17 and it only took me a couple of months to work it out and tell her. So, we split up in September last year and I said she could remain living in my house. One Sunday morning last year she called me to tell me about how my bike had gone missing. It was only a few weeks prior to this that I was considering going down and collecting my bike, so I could cycle to work. She had asked the young lad from up the road to weed our garden and she would pay him. First, my garden is quite small and secondly it doesn’t have that many weeds. Certainly, not enough to pay someone to pull them out. Anyhow this young man must have removed my bike from the garage when she had gone inside and put the bike in the back lane because it is no longer in the garage, she tells me. Muggings here believed it. I believed that my bike had been taken by the young man from down the road and I’m telling her to challenge them. I tell her not to worry about it because I am concerned for her. Now a few weeks after she told me this I had told her that I no longer trusted her, but I don’t think she got it! Well today I told her she would have to move out and she put the phone down on me. So, you see for the past 20 months, I have been living in a room in a shared house with a landlady and I was beginning to enjoy my room, my own company and my own space and she lived in my house. Now it’s time that I have my own place because I will need my own space when I have treatment, besides I want my own independence, thank you! I told her that I was giving her the heads up that I would need her to move out so I could rent the house out and be able to rent my own flat. Forget helping me with this issue, given she has been living in my house for the past 20 months and I have been living in a room. She thought she was the one who was worse of because she had to share the house with a lodger. Even then she was still asking me for money. Recently she told me that I was behaving liking a ‘brain washed monkey’ and told me that I was cold and dropped people stone cold, be they family or partners. Why would you say that to someone you supposedly care about when life has dealt them a bad hand. Anyhow that was not what I needed today of all days and it really confirmed how much this person drained the life out of me and how much I let them. Never again. My daughter told me last year that I needed radiators in my life and not drains and more recently another special person told me the exact same thing. Clever people hey!

 The day continues and we have things to do to ensure we are organized over the coming days. I.e. food shopping, a few toiletries, dinner, etc. Oh and I had decided to cook one of their favorites, tandoori chicken, so I had to get some extra things because my son is now also here and I am so pleased to see him. I enjoy marinating the chicken as my best friend and children talk. He gives my son a spare phone, for which I thank him and he says not at all, that’s my son. How amazing is it that my best friend sees my son as his son.  I am also secretly excited about my life if all goes well but I daren’t tell anyone that because I am scared that someone will burst my bubble of being able to see the world with more clarity. So, I decided to share my fears with you all and release them in to the universe and let the universe deal with them. Thank you, Al,-anon for keeping me sane through all of this.

Tomorrow I have to go to the Royal Berkshire hospital, nuclear department, for a radioactive injection which is a bit of a trek but a 5 minute procedure and then we can enjoy the remainder of the day, which I thoroughly intend to with my nearest and dearest, before I go in to the Op on Tuesday morning.

The Spa Experience

I text a colleague as I need to consider making a will, when it’s the last thing you want to do or face. It’s only an operation I tell myself, I’ve had a few in my lifetime, a C-section, a fractured jaw in a foreign country, an ACL reconstruction and there were no complications. Therefore, based on previous history I should be okay but the devil is always there. Contingency plans must be made for those, just in case, life moments and my god that is seriously scary. Its real too and when you know it’s real, you have no other option but to live it. I have been very fortunate because of my employer who has been extremely supportive over the last few weeks. I cannot say how much stress they relieved in an instant. So, a couple of days ago, I woke up and felt very uneasy and of course there was a song to go with the moment (Monsters of men, ‘thousand eyes’) and for those of you who don’t know it click the link  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wylkSUS9Ofs.

Thousand Eyes

Of Monsters and Men

Unto this storm

Unto this storm

Unto this storm

And wait

I can't control

Withering wonders

Flowers that lose their shape

I lie awake

And watch it all

It feels like thousand eyes

I lie awake

And watch it all

It feels like thousand eyes

I'll be the calm

I will be quiet

Stripped to the bone

I wait

No, I'll be a stone

I'll be the hunter

Tower that casts a shade

I lie awake

And watch it all

It feels like thousand eyes

I lie awake

And watch it all

It feels like thousand eyes

I lie awake

And watch it all

It feels like thousand eyes

I am the storm

I am the storm

I am the storm

So wait

Unfortunately, the storm cannot be undone and while it’s trying to break through, it’s still in the background because there were many songs that followed this one and they all spoke a thousand emotions. The fears subside and I continue with my day. A day where an unbelievable memory had occurred but this was another story. A friend of mine had taken me down to the coast a few days ago and the weather could not have been more perfect for me. It was warm, I wasn’t cold at all and I could be cold in an oven. I walked, I cycled, I explored, the sun was warm on my face, the breeze was warm and the sea was just incredible and peaceful. In fact, I would go as far as to say, I could not have asked for more. It was perfect. I am so fortunate to have love, peace and tranquility at such a turbulent time. The most incredible thing about the last 24 hours was they were real, true, honest and genuine. The beauty, the tranquility, the intensity, the peace within my soul is beyond words.

The thing is with every joyous moment comes a reality check and this morning I realise that I am the storm that is brewing and I feel immensely sad for having to put my loved ones through this storm. I know they will cope but that isn’t the point. All I hope is I can contain the storm as far as possible without to much fall out. Not to control the situation but to protect it from further damage.

Yesterday, my dear friend took me away to a spa hotel and its special and relaxing because we can talk, actually talk and listen to each other. She is my adoptive daughter but one I can be silly with also.

I went to see the consultant yesterday, my daughter was on load speaker and my friend was present in the room. The MRI did not raise any issues except for the fact there were more cancerous cells in the right breast than previously suspected and at that point he would have recommended a mastectomy if there were any doubts. Also, there was a very small lump in the left breast which he would like to investigate further, but unlikely to be anything suspicious. However, I am booked in for an ultrasound on Thursday together with pre-ops. If the scan shows any abnormality with the lump then he would remove it during surgery. To do this, I will need to attend a licensed hospital to have a radioactive injection into the left breast. I am now booked in for surgery on the morning of 27 February, 2.5 hours is all it will take to remove part of my womanhood. Thanks a bunch, just as I confirm and accept my own sexuality. I’ll be in hospital for 1-2 days and then able to recover at home for 6-8 weeks. Further discussion takes place around the risk of reconstructive surgery particularly when you are a smoker. I consider the fact that smoking increases risk of complications in any surgery and if that happens, then the implant would be removed to allow the wound to heal. Reconstruction would then take place in 2 years’ time. My assessment of the situation was that I haven’t smoked properly for some time, but if I don’t give my myself the chance to be able to live without the additional emotional turmoil, of not having a breast for 2 years, each time I wash, shower or look in the mirror, then I haven’t given myself the best chance of survival, emotionally that is. The consultant asks me to undress so I can be measured and whilst he is measuring my breast he asks me how the MRI went. You can imagine my reaction and I tell him about the whole experience for which he appeared genuinely sorry. Another issue to raise at some point. My daughter sounds worried and I agree to call her after I have spoken to the nurse. She is concerned about any complications and the thing is I truly understand the concern of loved ones given earlier in the day a friend of mine had given me a lecture on smoking. I appreciate their concern but sometimes there is just too much to deal with and you need something for you that allows you to cope and manage a situation albeit I am no longer smoking, as such. I am fairly resilient but we all need something to keep us going when things are difficult. Besides we must pick our battles and I am hoping to win this one for myself, my life and of course all of you. I enter the next phase feeling very blessed and fortunate.

Please go away and check your breasts today.