I
text a colleague as I need to consider making a will, when it’s the last thing
you want to do or face. It’s only an operation I tell myself, I’ve had a few in
my lifetime, a C-section, a fractured jaw in a foreign country, an ACL
reconstruction and there were no complications. Therefore, based on previous
history I should be okay but the devil is always there. Contingency plans must
be made for those, just in case, life moments and my god that is seriously
scary. Its real too and when you know it’s real, you have no other option but
to live it. I have been very fortunate because of my employer who has been extremely
supportive over the last few weeks. I cannot say how much stress they relieved
in an instant. So, a couple of days ago, I woke up and felt very uneasy and of
course there was a song to go with the moment (Monsters of men, ‘thousand eyes’)
and for those of you who don’t know it click the link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wylkSUS9Ofs.
Thousand Eyes
Unto this storm
Unto this storm
Unto this storm
And wait
I can't control
Withering wonders
Flowers that lose their shape
I lie awake
And watch it all
It feels like thousand eyes
I lie awake
And watch it all
It feels like thousand eyes
I'll be the calm
I will be quiet
Stripped to the bone
I wait
No, I'll be a stone
I'll be the hunter
Tower that casts a shade
I lie awake
And watch it all
It feels like thousand eyes
I lie awake
And watch it all
It feels like thousand eyes
I lie awake
And watch it all
It feels like thousand eyes
I am the storm
I am the storm
I am the storm
So wait
Unfortunately,
the storm cannot be undone and while it’s trying to break through, it’s still
in the background because there were many songs that followed this one and they
all spoke a thousand emotions. The fears subside and I continue with my day. A
day where an unbelievable memory had occurred but this was another story. A
friend of mine had taken me down to the coast a few days ago and the weather
could not have been more perfect for me. It was warm, I wasn’t cold at all and I
could be cold in an oven. I walked, I cycled, I explored, the sun was warm on
my face, the breeze was warm and the sea was just incredible and peaceful. In
fact, I would go as far as to say, I could not have asked for more. It was perfect.
I am so fortunate to have love, peace and tranquility at such a turbulent time.
The most incredible thing about the last 24 hours was they were real, true,
honest and genuine. The beauty, the tranquility, the intensity, the peace
within my soul is beyond words.
The
thing is with every joyous moment comes a reality check and this morning I
realise that I am the storm that is brewing and I feel immensely sad for having
to put my loved ones through this storm. I know they will cope but that isn’t
the point. All I hope is I can contain the storm as far as possible without to
much fall out. Not to control the situation but to protect it from further damage.
Yesterday,
my dear friend took me away to a spa hotel and its special and relaxing because
we can talk, actually talk and listen to each other. She is my adoptive daughter but one I can be silly with also.
I
went to see the consultant yesterday, my daughter was on load speaker and my
friend was present in the room. The MRI did not raise any issues except for the
fact there were more cancerous cells in the right breast than previously
suspected and at that point he would have recommended a mastectomy if there
were any doubts. Also, there was a very small lump in the left breast which he
would like to investigate further, but unlikely to be anything suspicious. However,
I am booked in for an ultrasound on Thursday together with pre-ops. If the scan
shows any abnormality with the lump then he would remove it during surgery. To
do this, I will need to attend a licensed hospital to have a radioactive
injection into the left breast. I am now booked in for surgery on the morning
of 27 February, 2.5 hours is all it will take to remove part of my womanhood. Thanks
a bunch, just as I confirm and accept my own sexuality. I’ll be in hospital for
1-2 days and then able to recover at home for 6-8 weeks. Further discussion
takes place around the risk of reconstructive surgery particularly when you are
a smoker. I consider the fact that smoking increases risk of complications in
any surgery and if that happens, then the implant would be removed to allow the
wound to heal. Reconstruction would then take place in 2 years’ time. My assessment
of the situation was that I haven’t smoked properly for some time, but if I don’t
give my myself the chance to be able to live without the additional emotional
turmoil, of not having a breast for 2 years, each time I wash, shower or look in
the mirror, then I haven’t given myself the best chance of survival,
emotionally that is. The consultant asks me to undress so I can be measured and
whilst he is measuring my breast he asks me how the MRI went. You can imagine
my reaction and I tell him about the whole experience for which he appeared
genuinely sorry. Another issue to raise at some point. My daughter sounds
worried and I agree to call her after I have spoken to the nurse. She is
concerned about any complications and the thing is I truly understand the
concern of loved ones given earlier in the day a friend of mine had given me a
lecture on smoking. I appreciate their concern but sometimes there is just too much
to deal with and you need something for you that allows you to cope and manage
a situation albeit I am no longer smoking, as such. I am fairly resilient but
we all need something to keep us going when things are difficult. Besides we must
pick our battles and I am hoping to win this one for myself, my life and of
course all of you. I enter the next phase feeling very blessed and fortunate.
Please go away and check your breasts today.
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