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Princes Risborough, Buckinghamshire, United Kingdom

Past 4 weeks of cancer

4 weeks

The earth’s axis tilted
All at once
Crossroads appeared.
Which path to take,
Which one is clear.
Surrounded by fear.
Who do you trust.
The head and the heart battle,
The body too faces struggles.
Confidence begins to shatter,
And you lose yourself
On an emotional platter.
Highs and lows
Come one after the other.
What a hand dealt the dealer.
She blew out the cobs webs
And brushed herself down.
Gave more of heart
Than she’d ever owned.
The strength in an embrace
Restored her faith
And balance was restored once again.

My previous blog talked about the journey and sometimes the journey is bloody hard and unfair. A couple of weeks ago I was so angry at the situation and my own inability to get on and do things. Having said this I could see that I had not slept properly for some time and I was also feeling very sick and my stomach felt very poorly coupled with the pain in my right side, made me feel very low. I woke up 3 hours after I had gone to bed and I was really hungry at 6 in the morning. I went in to the kitchen, the one I have hardly been in since being in the flat, so I have no idea where anything is. I go to pick the kettle up and remember that I can’t use my right arm because the kettle is too heavy. I decide to fill the kettle with 2 small cups of water rather than take the kettle to the tap. Once boiled I realised that I still needed to lift it to pour water in to the cafeteria. I try to do this with my left but my left hand shakes, especially when I’m stressed so that isn’t easy. I then try and locate a frying pan but it’s out of reach, so I use a saucepan to make some eggs. I try and use my right arm just to break some butter with the wooden spoon but I struggle to do that because I don’t have enough strength in my right arm. I get the butter in and break the eggs in, which also requires movement. Then I realise I can’t turn the salt and pepper mills to get some seasoning in the eggs because they are stiff. At that point, I have tears rolling down my eyes and I was so upset with myself. The thing is my son had told me the night before to just wake him when I need something but I get more stressed relying on other people to do things for me as they never do them in the time or the way I do it. I sat down to eat my eggs and only managed half as I was now feeling even more sick and frustrated. I then started to think about my life and how bloody hard it’s been and before you know it everything feels negative. Fortunately, this passed but not without the care and concern from friends and supportive words. So then, I make a start on my life admin. This is what the children call all those tasks that involve sitting in one place and dealing with your affairs.

All the utilities, TV license, driver’s license, banks, credit cards and the list goes on. The move was exhausting not to mention the operation but the lymph nodes were clear and that was amazing given each time I had gone to the hospital, I walked away with more negativity. Then last week I was completely shattered and struggled on a couple of days to even wash because the arm and shoulder hurt so much. On top of which they decide to insert a port, which involves another procedure, where they cut just near your arm, my right arm now and just below the collar bone and then insert a port between the two to allow them to administer Chemo intravenously without injecting the veins. My whole neck hurt, my head hurt and I really had, had enough of everything. Last night I realised how frightened I was of the future and how you stop thinking about it to the point you won’t allow yourself either to dream or even look ahead and whilst living in the moment is great, sometimes fear sets in and it’s become difficult to see the wood from the trees. Despite all this I went out with my friends Friday night and had so much fun because essentially life stops for no one and to get through it we all need friends and family and I am blessed to have people in my life who care.

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Past 4 weeks of cancer

4 weeks The earth’s axis tilted All at once Crossroads appeared. Which path to take, Which one is clear. Su...