4 weeks
The earth’s
axis tilted
All at once
Crossroads
appeared.
Which path
to take,
Which one
is clear.
Surrounded
by fear.
Who do you
trust.
The head
and the heart battle,
The body
too faces struggles.
Confidence
begins to shatter,
And you lose
yourself
On an emotional
platter.
Highs and
lows
Come one
after the other.
What a hand
dealt the dealer.
She blew
out the cobs webs
And brushed
herself down.
Gave more
of heart
Than she’d
ever owned.
The strength
in an embrace
Restored
her faith
And balance
was restored once again.
My previous
blog talked about the journey and sometimes the journey is bloody hard and
unfair. A couple of weeks ago I was so angry at the situation and my own
inability to get on and do things. Having said this I could see that I had not
slept properly for some time and I was also feeling very sick and my stomach
felt very poorly coupled with the pain in my right side, made me feel very low.
I woke up 3 hours after I had gone to bed and I was really hungry at 6 in the morning.
I went in to the kitchen, the one I have hardly been in since being in the
flat, so I have no idea where anything is. I go to pick the kettle up and
remember that I can’t use my right arm because the kettle is too heavy. I
decide to fill the kettle with 2 small cups of water rather than take the
kettle to the tap. Once boiled I realised that I still needed to lift it to
pour water in to the cafeteria. I try to do this with my left but my left hand shakes,
especially when I’m stressed so that isn’t easy. I then try and locate a frying
pan but it’s out of reach, so I use a saucepan to make some eggs. I try and use
my right arm just to break some butter with the wooden spoon but I struggle to
do that because I don’t have enough strength in my right arm. I get the butter
in and break the eggs in, which also requires movement. Then I realise I can’t
turn the salt and pepper mills to get some seasoning in the eggs because they
are stiff. At that point, I have tears rolling down my eyes and I was so upset
with myself. The thing is my son had told me the night before to just wake him
when I need something but I get more stressed relying on other people to do
things for me as they never do them in the time or the way I do it. I sat down
to eat my eggs and only managed half as I was now feeling even more sick and
frustrated. I then started to think about my life and how bloody hard it’s been
and before you know it everything feels negative. Fortunately, this passed but
not without the care and concern from friends and supportive words. So then, I
make a start on my life admin. This is what the children call all those tasks
that involve sitting in one place and dealing with your affairs.
All the
utilities, TV license, driver’s license, banks, credit cards and the list goes
on. The move was exhausting not to mention the operation but the lymph nodes
were clear and that was amazing given each time I had gone to the hospital, I
walked away with more negativity. Then last week I was completely shattered and
struggled on a couple of days to even wash because the arm and shoulder hurt so
much. On top of which they decide to insert a port, which involves another
procedure, where they cut just near your arm, my right arm now and just below
the collar bone and then insert a port between the two to allow them to
administer Chemo intravenously without injecting the veins. My whole neck hurt,
my head hurt and I really had, had enough of everything. Last night I realised
how frightened I was of the future and how you stop thinking about it to the
point you won’t allow yourself either to dream or even look ahead and whilst
living in the moment is great, sometimes fear sets in and it’s become difficult
to see the wood from the trees. Despite all this I went out with my friends
Friday night and had so much fun because essentially life stops for no one and to
get through it we all need friends and family and I am blessed to have people
in my life who care.
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