Do not blame those with a past
As our history is written today.
Tomorrow the present is no more
A new dawn lights the way.
Do not blame those in darkness
Unable to follow the light.
Living in fear and turmoil
Letting history define their way.
Do not blame walled hearts
They’ve closed themselves away
Unable to commit to a lifetime
Despite the promises, they make.
Forgive those who cannot awaken
From spells, they conjure themselves.
Shutting doors before they’ve opened
Frightened what their past may say.
Yesterday I witnessed 2 young women having a disagreement over an issue. One of those was my daughter and I was so impressed how the 2 of them resolved the issue by talking about how each of them made one another feel. To communicate with another about how you feel, the other party (whoever they may be) should be receptive to listening to your feelings before they get angry at you for being upset. When someone gets angry at you because you have raised an issue that has upset you, it’s because you have challenged their decision-making process. Some of us can see the challenge, recognise it for what it is and respond accordingly there and then. That way issues are discussed instantly and resolved. Others get angry instantly as they feel threatened, powerless or frustrated, so they are less likely to hear what is being said, words are then misconstrued and issues escalate. The discussion between these 2 young women was normal and healthy, they both had a voice and a right to air their grievances.
I have spent a large part of my life not raising concerns with people because my norm was culturally different from what I deem as normal today. I grew up in a culture where I didn’t have a voice and wasn’t supposed to have a voice. I found that when I eventually developed the courage to raise something or do something that someone else did not like or want to hear the repercussions were quite severe. For example, if I stood up to my family they would stop talking to both me and my children and therefore I have not seen them in over 10 years. Today I try to air my concerns regardless of the repercussions and sometimes that means saying things that people may not want to hear because the one thing we all have is a voice and a right to exercise that voice. My only rule is that I try and do it in a calm and constructive manner even if I’m really upset and angry. It doesn’t always work with the children though but my son recently reminded me that having just had surgery and diagnosed with breast cancer I have an absolute right to get angry and if others don’t like it, it’s actually their problem.
In the last 5 week’s my friend raised several concerns with me about comments I had made or something I had said, I listened and took on board that she didn’t like what I was saying because of her own insecurities or because I made her feel a particular way. My part was to respect her feelings and listen to her because at that time is was about her and not me. To me that is normal especially when you are getting to know someone but I struggle to understand why she didn’t give me the same respect when I told her I felt let down. It was still not about me but about how I had made her feel by raising my concerns. I had insulted her!
Today I reflect on what has happened and asked this person to meet before I go into surgery on Tuesday so we could may be talk about what had happened. Of course, this would make me feel better before surgery (but then it’s not about me) because the whole situation has upset me considerably and some closure would certainly make me feel better since it has been almost a week. However, she is spending her weekend with family and is not available. She recognised that I would be busy on Tuesday due to the surgery but suggested she come and see me on Wednesday. Given that I would be in hospital overnight and just having had surgery not ideal! So again, another issue in my life that will have to remain unresolved for at least a few weeks until I am able to drive and meet her.
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