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Princes Risborough, Buckinghamshire, United Kingdom

Back in Cancer's waiting room

Feb 26 – It’s just gone 1.30 in the morning. I had tried to exhaust myself so that I would be able to sleep tonight and I turned the lights out and got under the duvet. It just wasn’t happening. I know why because I am in the waiting room again and time is drawing near and there are concerns. What if’s etc….. I have prepared for the worst, nothing more I can do.
My daughter arrived Saturday night and that was a stark reminder of reality for both of us. I had been living my life and she had been living hers and now they are both interrupted by the ‘C’ word. There is, anger, frustration, annoyance and most of all concern for the situation. There is also an acceptance that this is the case and there is nothing anyone can do to change this. I realise she is tired as she tells me that her body has been in fight or flight mode every day last week, she was also out several evenings and probably didn’t realise that she wasn’t giving herself enough mental rest time given she would also have been worrying about her mum. Life does not stop for anyone I’m afraid. She does sleep though and has a long nap this afternoon so that was good.

This is for her.

Relax and cry daughter
For a little while
Relax and cry.

Don’t be a martyr
Let it slide.
You taught me well
So release those fears.

We may be 3 now
Tonight, we are 4,
Tomorrow, we’ll be 5
And so on and so forth.

Relax and cry daughter
For a little while
Relax and cry.

I had a difficult conversation today with an ex-partner today. I used to tell her all the time that life did not stop for anyone but she really could not grasp that concept. There is nothing more unattractive in a person than someone who is not willing to live the life given to them even when you try and help them and then you realise that they have an illness and because of this illness they are unable to see beyond their own needs. I also see a person for whom its all too much, because life dealt her a shit hand. So, as you are all aware I am due to go into hospital on Tuesday, I am now back in the waiting room and my emotions are running high. My family can see this, my friends can see this, but my ex-partner who has convinced herself that I am doing this to her personally, can’t see this. How tragic is that when all I have ever done is given and given to this person. I am going to tell you all a story and let me have your thoughts. I stopped being in love with my ex by July 17 and it only took me a couple of months to work it out and tell her. So, we split up in September last year and I said she could remain living in my house. One Sunday morning last year she called me to tell me about how my bike had gone missing. It was only a few weeks prior to this that I was considering going down and collecting my bike, so I could cycle to work. She had asked the young lad from up the road to weed our garden and she would pay him. First, my garden is quite small and secondly it doesn’t have that many weeds. Certainly, not enough to pay someone to pull them out. Anyhow this young man must have removed my bike from the garage when she had gone inside and put the bike in the back lane because it is no longer in the garage, she tells me. Muggings here believed it. I believed that my bike had been taken by the young man from down the road and I’m telling her to challenge them. I tell her not to worry about it because I am concerned for her. Now a few weeks after she told me this I had told her that I no longer trusted her, but I don’t think she got it! Well today I told her she would have to move out and she put the phone down on me. So, you see for the past 20 months, I have been living in a room in a shared house with a landlady and I was beginning to enjoy my room, my own company and my own space and she lived in my house. Now it’s time that I have my own place because I will need my own space when I have treatment, besides I want my own independence, thank you! I told her that I was giving her the heads up that I would need her to move out so I could rent the house out and be able to rent my own flat. Forget helping me with this issue, given she has been living in my house for the past 20 months and I have been living in a room. She thought she was the one who was worse of because she had to share the house with a lodger. Even then she was still asking me for money. Recently she told me that I was behaving liking a ‘brain washed monkey’ and told me that I was cold and dropped people stone cold, be they family or partners. Why would you say that to someone you supposedly care about when life has dealt them a bad hand. Anyhow that was not what I needed today of all days and it really confirmed how much this person drained the life out of me and how much I let them. Never again. My daughter told me last year that I needed radiators in my life and not drains and more recently another special person told me the exact same thing. Clever people hey!

 The day continues and we have things to do to ensure we are organized over the coming days. I.e. food shopping, a few toiletries, dinner, etc. Oh and I had decided to cook one of their favorites, tandoori chicken, so I had to get some extra things because my son is now also here and I am so pleased to see him. I enjoy marinating the chicken as my best friend and children talk. He gives my son a spare phone, for which I thank him and he says not at all, that’s my son. How amazing is it that my best friend sees my son as his son.  I am also secretly excited about my life if all goes well but I daren’t tell anyone that because I am scared that someone will burst my bubble of being able to see the world with more clarity. So, I decided to share my fears with you all and release them in to the universe and let the universe deal with them. Thank you, Al,-anon for keeping me sane through all of this.
Tomorrow I have to go to the Royal Berkshire hospital, nuclear department, for a radioactive injection which is a bit of a trek but a 5 minute procedure and then we can enjoy the remainder of the day, which I thoroughly intend to with my nearest and dearest, before I go in to the Op on Tuesday morning.

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