About Me

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Princes Risborough, Buckinghamshire, United Kingdom
Hi All, Lets get one thing clear, I am doing this for myself. Oh and of course anyone else who is in this boat, of which, I am sure there is many. In other words anyone sitting in limbo and not knowing whether it was the C word or not. But seriously I am doing this for me.
I am in a state of limbo, i'm in the waiting room of life, for the first time in my life and I am genuinely feeling euphoric, no i'm sad, actually, no i'm blessed, oh what, tears again, seriously, take a chill pill the kids would say.
Rant over, for the past month, (look, I still can't say it, I cannot write about it explicitly to mainly women readers who all have them) how daft is that! So here goes my nipple, 'which one Harjit' I hear Donna say. My right nipple changed. At first I thought it was just me. So 2 weeks pass and I feel pins and needles, only slightly at night. Then it creeps in, what if? Doesn't quite look right? Time is passing. Shit i'm going to Australia in 6 weeks. Shit I have no income protection insurance, shit get some. Oh damn there is a moratorium of 30 days on them all. You could wait 30 days? Time is passing. What the fuck are you doing women, ahhhhhh I want to scream at myself this thing is growing and you know it and you are prepared to risk your life for what? Your kids will kill you, if your not already lol. Oh and now its tingling all the time. I look it up on the net and I lie to myself. No, doesn't look like that it's ok. There's that voice, again. So it has to be sorted and I do the sensible thing and get on the phone to my medical insurance, this morning, to clarify what I need to do. I have some training session at work and I haven't prepared properly, you know when you want to be fully prepared. Its 8 am I'm on the phone to the insurers in the car to work. I'm late for the first time ever. No your not ignoring this, i do some quick research, private GP or there is also a private breast clinic which would avoid the need to see a GP. So i call the insurers, a young  sounding man in the claims department, "what are your symptoms madam"
"I have a, er problem with my breast and i would like to know ............."
"What sort of problem"
"Well (seriously, I have to tell this idiot about my intimate personal crap not to mention the fact i'm in an office with others and, and, what, I have to do this) Its a problem with my nipple, I say quietly"
"what is wrong with your nipple"
"You are f....... kidding me, my head is saying but my mouth is says "its changed shape"
"which one madam"
Not I'm so sorry to hear that, let me see if I can make your life easier. OH no, works in customer service, really. Come on guys its not rocket science.
Then to turn around and tell me I have an excess and no they won't pay for the cost of the clinic. I have to see a GP first. So I say.
"I'm pretty sure this will need investigation, what will happen once the GP supports this"
"Well madam we have to obtain your medical records and confirm you have never suffered with this condition previously"
Silence, what can I say, "so how long will that take"
"up to 3 days for someone to analyze them and confirm you have not suffered with a breast condition previously"
So i'm lying when I say I have not suffered with this condition previously, like anyone would lie about something like this! Why an earth would  i lie knowing you are about to obtain my medical records not to mention the fact when I signed up no one told me about this. Why the hell do you guys just not obtain medical records when people take a policy. Your whole selling point is to ease stress in life and what has just happened, at a time when I was at my lowest point in my life. You can't make it up.
Then my colleague comes round the corner, and in his east end accent asks me if i'm alright, then proceeds to tell me that I don't look right. What? Is it written on my face? Nothing wrong just busy, i say.
I proceed with my day. An hour and half later i'm free, I get on the phone, book a GP appointment. Would you like a male doctor, madam or a female doctor, asks the call center lady. The nearest please, I say. The only place is Windsor, ah shit, I'm supposed to meet someone tonight in Windsor. Shit. I can't think about this right now I have work to do. The day drags.........
Oh shit I have not done anything about this person. I can't really think about them, but I don't cancel either. In fact I tell her we could meet earlier. The appointment is at 4.30. I get there literally at 4.30. The receptionist hands me some forms, can you just fill them out. I sit down and my hand shakes I can't quite get the pen to move. I form letters as though I've just learnt to write. Next of Kin. Ah Manita of course but I don't know her address because I have never had the need to write it down. Oh well whatever. 
"go up the stairs and to cubicle 6"
I am greeted by a mature but young looking Dr. An attractive man.
"Do I know you" he smiles at me.
"Not that I know"
"Are you sure we haven’t met before”
“No”. It made me smile, he meant no harm and his demeanor relaxed me. Who wants to get there boobs out, in a place that is not your bedroom or bathroom at my age? Unless of course your Gabby on WLM Whats spp.
“So I would like to know, the likely hood of it being malignant? And 2, how quickly would I be back on my feet”
He looks at me as if to say ok, not sure where your going here.
“Will the whole procedure be done in 6 weeks because I am due to go to Australia in 6 weeks.
He looks at me as I’ve lost the plot.
“I have not seen my son in 6 months” I say
“you could just put it back”
Seriously it had just not occurred to me that I can move it. Its not set in stone.
AHHHHHH relief.
“Ok it is likely to be malignant, but you need to see a consultant”
“So how will that happen, my insurers have basically said they need my medical notes and will only authorize payments after they have analyzed the report, which will take up to 3 days.
“Whose your surgery” and off he goes, he’s ringing several places.
Meanwhile the  mobile phone buzzes, ahh the friend. Oh well let her know your running late. All you can do.
“I’d be surprised if you get any documents from my surgery today”, I say leaving with an appointment for the consultant tomorrow at 5.
“Oh they will” he says, like he knows something I don’t
“No seriously, they are so slow”
“They will”, he definitely knew something.

Ok down to reception. Thank you says the receptionist. I say, I think I have to pay. She checks. Are you ok she asks, tears well up in my eyes. No I have a date and I’m pretty sure this is serious, what do I do. I leave not knowing. I get in the car and shed a few tears whilst entering the destination in to google maps. 4 minutes, WTF, you are kidding me, Oh well, she’s been waiting. Plan of action. 4 minutes? Ok I decide, if in the first 5 minutes I think about my problem, or I don’t smile. I leave.
I park in the car park where I think she is waiting, She’s not there, we speak, she’s in the opposite car park, wait she’s driving over to this car park. Okay its cold. I want a wee and a cigarette. I see a Peugeot pull up to the barrier. Not sure if that’s her, I’ll just go for a wee and then she’ll be here. I come out of the toilets, the Peugeot is still at the barrier. I walk over, it’s her, just casually sitting there whilst some bloke who looks like Santa clause is walking around talking in to the barrier. Right, I’m going to tell people to reverse, I’m not spending my evening stuck in a car.
“I’ve already done that” she says, oh ok I’ll try again. By that point the engineer had arrived and she just sat in her car so cool, like hey nothing’s happened. I get in to her car. She has beautiful taste in music.
2 hours later, “ are you ok, she says, “ your not as relaxed as you were the other day”, she says. Seriously is it written across my forehead or something. Of course it wasn’t she was just a very perceptive woman.
Now why did you have to go and do that and burst my bubble. It was there, of course it was, but I wasn’t thinking about it. My eyes fill with tears. 2 meetings and you really don’t want to be dumped with some random persons shit. Its ok she says we can talk about it later or not, up to you.

I would like to and not, but hey here goes, what will be, will be, take the risk, day can’t get any worse. This is me at my most vulnerable in life, even now my eyes well up. The part we don’t want anyone to see, not unless we are ready and that was it, I was ok. She was great, she insisted on coming to the appointment tomorrow with me. I could not believe it, I am so blessed. She absolutely restored my faith in life and its meaning. Thank you

Strange, as this may sound.
And yes I may be high
The world today
Is a damn good place
I have family who love me
And friends who care
People would miss me 
If I was no longer here

So here come’s the research and reality. This is serious, of course it might not be, but the speed at which the GP obtained my medical information was pretty fast. I forgot to say that when I got to the car park my GP surgery in Plymouth to obtain consent to release my medical notes. I was gob smacked things don’t normally get done at this speed unless of course there is some degree of urgency. No I am not going to panic, I am going to be real. I have not slept firstly it was because I was in dilemma about work. So I thought do something about it. I called my manager, spoke to her for over an hour, I’ve never talked to her, likely really talked to her and I was so glad of this because despite her ways she is such a nice person underneath.
I then had an e-mail to deal with from the consultant. Ok it has to be done. Deep breaths is all I can say.
The kids, oh yes, you want to talk to them, no you don’t. You don’t want to tell them, it’s not fair, why should they have to deal with this, its my shit, not theirs. Seriously they can do without it. But it is theirs, I am their mother as they are my children and the right thing would be to give them the respect they deserve as adults and stop protecting them from life.
So what I do know is treatments depend on the nature of the beast but only if its inoperable will the risk of long term cancer exist. Someone told me something earlier today, another kind soul, ‘they say it’s one of the best ones to get’. She is so true and that is such a blessing.
So reality kicks in, speak to best friend. “I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow but you need to take some basic instructions from me so you can relay them to the kids, in terms of what they need to do, in a worst-case scenario”, I say.
He’s great, “sure” he says but I hear his sadness for me, not pity but genuine heart felt concern. I will have a think and lets speak in the morning.
He mentions business plans and ideas and I’m sure says something about blogging.
During this long evening I have felt like the axis of my life tilted and shook me around a few times. I have had highs and lows and several revelations. What you would call life changing. So I thought I would share this journey with anyone who wants to read it or pass it on to a friend. You will all know a woman on her own, living her life, the best way she knows how, trying her hardest to stand tall with pride and honour whatever happens.  She doesn’t even soldier on nor is she a martyr, she is just doing life the best she can.

Don't feel sad or sorry please just be nice to another women today, you really don't know what she might be going through. 
Please follow me on twitter Harjit Gill @coulditbecance1

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