Sometimes there is sorrow
And sometimes there is pain
Often there is grief
And no one to blame.
The land of limbo
Is coming to an end
Yet the journey hardens
With every step.
Let it go
And let it be
The mantra continues
Find my qi and peace will follow.
Number 9 done today. 3 more weeks
and no more Chemo. God this has been one hell of a journey, a rollercoaster of
emotions at both extremes. I have felt both sorrow and love like never before
and those are good things because at least I can feel these emotions, so I tell
myself. Hey I have to make myself feel better!
So, my acupuncture and the
needles going in to the port really hurt last week, to the point that my eyes
welled up and the nurse commented on it being the first time she had seen me
cry. That’s how painful it was! When the acupuncture needles went in, oh boy 2
of them really hurt and then this morning. It was an extreme f…ing moment where
the needle reverberated one of my nerves and the therapist had to take the
needle out. This means the anxiety kicks in because now you expect one of the
next needles, she inserts, to set off another nerve. I wait in anticipation as
the anxiety begins to build. Now then, I say to myself, where is that rational
side, rational, pational, I say just deal with the emotions, she is telling you
that it is unlikely to happen so trust the professional. In the meantime my son
is trying to distract me by playing the trailer to the latest season of dare
devil. It’s a marvel series on Netflix and yes I am sad but it keeps me
entertained. In fact I have learned more about the marvel universe this year
than anything else, thanks son!
Yesterday when I went in for my
bloods. The nurse, who has now taken my bloods for the last 3 weeks and has been
great. Alison, cleans the inside of my elbow, places the rubber band around my
arm as I make a fist, sitting in a blue chair, in a clinical room with a desk
on the right. We talk about giving up smoking, she’s been vaping. I tell I have
one and will get it out. She inserts the needle into my arm, just after she
tells there is going to be a sharp scratch. No blood comes, oh not again, I
think, please don’t let that happen again. She jiggles the needle a little bit
but nothing happens. Then she pushes on the needle and all of a sudden I hear a
pop, sorry guys if that is too much detail, but something popped and blood came
rushing out.
I could tell she wasn’t comfortable
doing that and later said she felt the vain was pushing against the needle and
albeit not experienced this with me, she had experienced it with other patients
undergoing Chemo. She informed me that one of the side effects of Chemo can be
the veins become thicker and that would also explain why I had felt in a lot
more pain last week also.
Who knows! Was it because of the
Chemo or was it because I had a particularly stressful week and the hot flushes
had returned to normal and were coming thick and fast night, so I had been
sleep deprived. The acupuncturist believed my nerves were extra sensitive
because of the additional stress in life.
So I decided to look in to what
happens when your body is under considerable stress, like mine. Well our brain
releases a chemical called cortisol and by the way this is only own
interpretation of the chemical reactions that go on in the body, and even that
derived itself from google. Sometimes I think our younger generations will be
clones of google. Anyhow the body goes into a fight or flight response when the
brain perceives danger, during this time the brain releases a chemical called
cortisol and one of the side effects of having huge amounts of cortisol in your
body is that your body starts to fight itself and you develop auto immune
responses. So I developed these little lumps over my fingers which became quite
inflamed last week. Another thing I learned was that cortisol can have
deleterious effects on the immune system and thus delays the body healing
itself. All of this is interesting and it sort of explains why we as humans
develop individual responses to coping with stress.
That is in no way to say that I’m
not feeling sorry for myself, I feel incredibly let down by some people, yet
others have extended warmth during this particularly difficult period. One of
my friends described it as being a mole burrowing in a dark tunnel and not
being able to see any light but eventually the burrowing becomes tiresome and
you just want to give up. Even returning to work is extremely appealing at this
moment despite it being extremely stressful. So what does that say about me!
Well I know it tells me that this journey was really long and there is nothing
I want more than to return to my normal life. I have now seen the Oncologist
for the last time, unless I develop any unusual
symptoms in the last 3 weeks of Chemo and that is definitely something
worth celebrating!
The last 3 weeks and weekend have
been like this, despite trying to get clarification on things and trying to
resolve issues, I realised that I can’t do this alone and if people are not willing
to meet me half way, then what am I doing, just banging my head against a brick
wall. So the definition of insanity comes to mind, ‘doing the same thing over
and over again but expecting a different outcome’. This had to stop, I no
longer want to do the same thing over and over so I took some control. There
are some situations in life which you cannot change because others are
unwilling to compromise and without compromise no 2 people can build a relationship
of any sort. future.
One of the first steps of the 12
step program is admitting that we are powerless over alcohol and out lives had
become unmanageable. I realised whilst attending Al Anon that you could apply
this step to any situation in life and that is exactly what I did with the
cancer and any other situation that has occurred since. The acceptance of being
powerless allowed me to accept that I have no control over what is happening
and therefore I am powerless. Being powerless, to me, meant that I am not in
control of what is happening to me but what I can control is how I deal with
the situation because I am in control of what I eat, what help I access and how
I manage my own emotions and I am learning everyday about myself and who I have
become during this journey.
Some of the things I have learned
about myself through this journey is that I am actually important. As an Asian
woman of my generation I was brought up to focus on everybody else except
myself, to put my fathers and mothers needs first, to put my brothers needs
first, to put the family first, to put my husband’s needs first and then as a
mother to put my children’s needs before my own. Now I am putting my own needs first,
not by being selfish but being assertive and looking after myself. So on that
note I highly recommend acupuncture to anyone who is going through the menopause.
I have now had 3 sessions where needles
are inserted into pressure points on m y feet and legs and albeit I am still
having hot flushes they are much calmer than they were originally and less
frequent. The other therapy I would highly recommend is reflexology, not only
is it extremely relaxing but it’s also extremely therapeutic. If you live in
London or the surrounding counties and you have breast cancer you can access
these therapies at the Breast Cancer Haven. The clinic is a charitable
organisation and an excellent resource for anyone suffering with this condition
and you can find more information about the clinic in the following article that
was written by my friend who attended the induction with me and on their
website. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/breast-cancer-haven-all-helen-moss-black?lipi=urn%3Ali%3Apage%3Ad_flagship3_inshare%3BRNjOHqJkR%2Fip6jt%2BS1sVyQ%3D%3D
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