Life is so Unfair

March 8 - Last night I had an appointment with my consultant. He removed the drain from my back and what a relief that was. I was so looking forward to it being removed so I could have a decent night’s sleep. I have not slept properly since the diagnosis but since the operation I only sleep a maximum of 1.5 hours at a time and in total probably about 3 hours each night which means I must get a snooze in during the day. Its ok to snooze in the day but at some point, I would like to return to normal and get back to my life and job which becomes difficult when you are not sleeping enough at night and then feeling tired during the day. Well I lucked out there again because lone behold I am up after a couple of hours sleep and on top of which I am unable to smoke which is extremely frustrating and if you’re a smoker you’ll understand how hard it is to quit especially when its forced on you. Having said that I haven’t killed anyone yet albeit I did swear at my poor son a few days ago for misplacing my pen. Bless him he stood his ground without upsetting me.

As well as removing the drain the Consultant also informed me that he had removed 5 lymph nodes 3 of which were cancerous.  Not what I wanted to hear.  My heart just sank. The only people I could think of was my children and the people who love me and how unfair it was on them. They've already had so much to worry about.  For the first time in 5 years I watched my daughter relax because she had stopped worrying about her mother. The mastectomy removed the cancer, from her point of view and her mother was on the mend. I know she will worry immensely especially as she is so far away.  I called her earlier and again she offers words of reassurance and steps in to the role of being a responsible adult and offers to come back to England whenever I need.

Anyhow, the consequences of the lymph nodes being cancerous means I will undergo a more aggressive form of Chemotherapy and another operation to remove more lymph nodes. The removal of lymph nodes increases the risk of lymphedema and long term swelling of my right arm together with pain in that arm. Seriously, not what I want to hear at all, that I could be left with long term health issues because of this albeit not everyone suffers with these symptoms. I will be 47 in less than 2 weeks’ time, I am still young with considerable life ahead of me and one I worked hard to achieve. So, its bloody unfair to have to go through another operation and have another drain attached to me and more time off work to recover. We all must earn a living to survive and I don’t want my job to be hindered by health issues, yet I have no choice in the matter, just like everything else that is happening in my life at the moment. Life can be so unfair at times!!!!!!!!